270: Idle Mind

Is this my first post for 2024? 

Yesterday my ex-roommate while I was in Melbourne shared few photos for us to reminiscine on. Oh it brought memories, and all the feelings of joy,and carefree. It broughts me back to this blog, because whatever I wrote back then is still here. Thank you blogger for still existing. Preserving my thoughts at that time. This reminds me, I have to download all these blog posts for back up. 

Most of the times, I hesitate to write whatever I think and feel. But reading back my posts, I regrets I didn't write more. So I guess, it's better to write than not. Afterall, this blog has no audience anymore. I'm writing here instead of in facebook so that I'll be far from people's judgement. Kita hati tisu, wak! Cepat sangat tersentuh kalau orang cakap apa-apa.

But anyway, its exam period. That explains why I have time to write. Though, answered papers have bundled up on my table, waiting to be marked, but of course, I procrastinate. 

I'm 37 this year. 20 years ago I sat for the SPM which marks the pivot to where I am right now. I have become the adult, the teacher that keeps on membebel to her students on not to screw up their school years. I guess as a 37 year old grown woman, I have seen enough to not let this kids wasting away their life, with functioning brain, and healthy body. What a waste, kids... you have so much potential, bright future, only if you usaha.. takyah usaha byk pon, give me the minimum work, you can see a big effect. But, oh well.. kids, will be kids. Selagi mereka tak hadap, selagi tu takkan dengar.

I'm also a mother of 5 now. My eldest daughter is turning 12 this year. I have a teenager to handle now. And oh, its another level of struggles here. I just pray that He never let me decide anything by myself. I leave her in Your Care. Because I know nothing... I'm so afraid I make mistakes that will scar my kids for life.

We as parents, just want the best for the kids. But of course, they will never realize that.. before they have their own. 

269: Difference

Di SMKBBU, kertas ni dipanggil 'testpad'. Pernah saya sebut 'kertas kajang' dekat pelajar, terkebil-kebil dia tak faham apa tu kertas kajang.

Di SMKPU yang sebaliknya pula. Pelajar elok sebut kertas kajang. Bila saya sebut 'testpad' pula mereka terpinga-pinga. 

Just a random thought. No judgement in both situation. I celebrate the difference. I appreciate the different experiences I am fortunate enough to live through.

Change is hard. Hijrah is hard. I am still in transitioning period. Adapting myself to everything different here. Numerous time I feel like I am unhappy. What have I got myself into. But I feel alive. At least all my senses are working and functioning... thinking, struggling, living through it all.

If people ask me about it, will I advocate people to 'change'? Yes, totally recommended. 5 stars. You should live in motion. You should always choose 'change'. You should be brave to choose 'hijrah'. Go for it. Be brave! This is life. 

268: Finding joy, again

This morning as I was scrolling the Facebook feeds, I came across this post saying how funny the opening chapter of Pinocchio was. It went like shown in the picture:

I was instantly interested to read the rest of the story. I never came across the physical book of Pinocchio before, only watched the movies. Then, it dawned on me how this is what missing from my adult life now. The joy of reading. Reading books, as a pleasure. Or specifically fiction. Not so much of gaining knowledge, or life lessons. But the feeling of being intrigued, in malay like 'perasaan dibuai-buai' like that ... If you are a reader yourself, you know what I meant. When the author wrote something so beautifully, when they succeed to depict feelings into words so perfectly.. like you feel, yes she killed it! 

I used to read lots of books during my high school year, and undergraduate years. But stopped once I got married and have kids. I still buy books now and then but many left untouched , unfinished because most of the time I felt there were just more things to prioritize over. Reading has become such a chore. No joy in it anymore. 

One voice in my head will tell me that reading for pleasure is nafs. Like time here in on earth is so limited, so much to achieve, being carried away by fictional stories are such a waste of time. (Reading non fiction, books for the knowledge, is another topic altogether). But, another voice will say.. this is what makes life beautiful. We need to live, but happily. We need to find again, the pretty things in life. The joy, that brings so much reasons to keep on living despite the struggles. 

Our mission on earth is one definite thing. To obey Allah, to preach others obeying Allah, too. If Allah wants, He can, to just give us such basic things like one type of food only for our sustanence. That will suffice for us to reach our goal in life... but no, He made infinite amount of varieties! and each was so perfectly created, colourful and pretty! He made everything, arts. So I believe, it's okay to indulge ourselves in arts, as long as we still in the path towards Him. In fact, we will feel so much happier, so much in love, knowing Him as the Greatest Artist. 

267: Hijrah

Tahun baru 2023, adalah tahun hijrah bagiku. Aku beranikan diri, membuat keputusan untuk keluar dari zon yang teramat selesa. People would think I'm stupid for making this decision. Leaving all the best things in life... for a new beginning at a new place.

But living, is a struggle, jihad, to be the best version of ourselves, before we meet HIM in the best state. I had been praying for Him to show me, if this hijrah is the best thing for me, then make the path to it, easy. And easy it was .. I was kinda shocked He allows this to happen this fast.

I need to be brave to move. To change. To learn and unlearn. 

Semoga Allah redha <3

266: 35 half life

I had my 35th birthday last month. During my third quarantine because of covid. This time around, the symptom was not so severe. I had headache for two days. Then, when I started to have runny nose, that was when I decided to get tested. Despite all the chaos, I was relieved I got to take rest. Life had been hectic (tak habis-habis, kan?).

I am 35 now. I took sometime this morning to read back my post from 10 years ago when I was 25. What has changed in 10 years? I realized 10 years passed by so quickly. It made me think that another 10 years will pass by just as quick. In a blink of an eye, I will be 45... if Allah allows my heart to still beat at that moment.

Then I thought about my parents. My dad loves to reminiscene on our childhood photos. Then I thought, on how in that photos, my parents were 35.. or even younger.

When we were kids, we always looked up to our elders like they know better. Like they should know everything, about how this world works. Whatever they did, must be correct, because they were supposed to know better. 

But now that I am 35. I know, I don't know any better. I am still clueless about most things. The more you know, the more you don't know. And I realize the fact that my parents, my grandparents.. are all humans. Humans that are thriving on this earth, forever learning about the fact of life.

Everyone is pretending. To be strong. To live. To be a model for their children. Hoping to God they made the right decisions on things. Silently begging God for forgiveness of mistakes and things that were out of control.

If you are parents, then you should know what I am talking about.

I guess that's why people emphasize on 'mother's doa' .. because all mothers are human. And humans have limitations. We need God intervention at all time.

265: Learning to let it go

It's exam week at school so, I have some free time, supposedly to finish up all the procrastinated works, but I guess I can take a few moments to untangled all the messy knots in my head. Life has been hectic, now that I'm back at work full time with a newborn baby. So it feels refreshing to sit down and be able to write something here. It feels like eons have passed since the last time I can really sit and think. To reflect on things. I miss blogging. And write here, instead of facebook, away from nasty comments or feeling like I'm being judged. I'm sure most of the time it's just me ,'perasan' others will judge. But oh well, I'm only human. So here I am .. I am not even sure whether any souls are still reading blogs, mine included. But by writing here, I know that I am not writing to please others. I'm just writing for myself. To clear my head. To be reflective. To be better.

One thing I choose to do differently this time around (by that I mean things revolving handling baby), is to not be stressed, especially by the amount of breastmilk I successfully expressed. This is my fifth baby. I am trying my best to provide for him but I refuse to be disappointed or mad or sad if I failed to meet his need. I do not want to feel stressed if I can't pumped enough. I refuse to be stressed if I couldn't find the time to pump at school. I have prepared a tin of formula just in case the 4 bottles of milk I prepared for him are not sufficient. 

So far, alhamdulillah most of the time, the milk are enough! I rarely need to top it up with formula. I feel like all the stress are just making things worse. If I am not stressed, my supply is better anyway. Of course, sometimes I do feel worry because it has become a habit to make sure the milk is enough for the baby. But I learn to let it go. Biar lah, ada rezki baby tu , yang penting I have done my best. I did usaha. Bukan tak usaha. So leave the result to Allah. He'll provide! 

And, Lukman is the healthiest michelin baby Alhamdulillah 

264: Quarantine in Confinement

Yesterday was my last day of quarantine. Oh yes I got covid the second time, while I was in confinement, too!.

It started about 10 days ago, during the weekend. Yusra was abnormally lethargic. Usually she was the hyper one and make the most sound. But that day, she was just sleeping around and quiet. That morning as well, we got a message from the school that one of Yusra's classmate was covid positive but the school still resumes as usual. Having reading that message, I had my doubt so I decided to test Yusra for covid. We use the Newgene RTK nasal swab test. Easier to test the children with that. And my gut feeling turned out to be true. Yusra got the virus. So immediately we made Yusra to quarantine to her room. We tested everyone else but everyone was negative.

Husband applied for quarantine leave (the procedure was mentally exhausting) to take care of Yusra and the rest of the children. I also quarantine myself in the room with the baby because I just gave birth less than a week before so we wanted to prevent the baby from getting the virus. So my husband and the kids stayed in the living hall, while Yusra in her room and I in my room.

3 days later I started to feel unwell. But I thought it was just normal flu because I just had minor case of runny nose. But husband insisted I got tested anyway... and lo behold, I was positive as well.

We went to the CAC because the baby need to be checked for his jaundice still although he was now a close contact. I didn't do the self test for him because I felt scared of hurting him so I requested for them at the CAC to do it. But he was negative. I was breastfeeding him so it was hard to be separated from him, so we decided to just stay together where I need to wear mask all the time in the room.

So that's how my quarantine and confinement went. Just staying in my room with the baby 24/7. Meals were sent at the door by dear husband and I just spend the day n night relaxing and just taking care of the baby. At some point the baby started to cough a bit but never showed any sign of distress or uncomfortableness. I suspected he already gotten the virus but we decided as long as he did not show any rough symptoms, he should be okay. The doctor at the CAC had warned us earlier that the baby most probably will get it as well but baby is usually resilient. But I continued my mask wearing until the last day of quarantine.

This time around I could say that my symptoms was less severe than when I got covid the first time. When I was infected last august, I got the fever, flu and persistent cough, followed by losing the sense of smell and taste. The symptoms went on for about a week. But this time around I had the fever like headache but no increase in body temp that was resolve just by consuming paracetamol. I also had runny nose and phlegmatic cough. The cough was not painful, it was just uncomfortable because of the phlegm. I still got the pghlematic sensation at the sinus area but it was a minor discomfort. Using digestzen essential oil helps in managing it.

All in all, I feel very grateful to Allah for having my husband by my side all these while. It's ramadhan so my husband has been very patient in managing everything, the 3 other healthy children, yusra's quarantine, the houseworks, iftar preparation as well as my confinement needs. The children were also a gem. They have been so patient and understanding as well as helping around the house at that young age.