217: Counting days

What I am feeling right now, sangat lain dengan my expectation sejak dulu kala. I'm getting married in just few days time, insyaAllah... but apa yang dirasakan eh? Seriously I am not sure. People've been asking me.. "Mesti berdebar-debarkan?" and I usually answer with "Not yet".

Maybe it's because of the working load right now. The semester is ending, hence there are mountains of submissions need to be finalised. I'm stressed out. Banyak fokus on finishing these than doing any wedding preparation. Infinite thanks and Jazakunnallahu khayran kathira to my parents especially..and my super-nenek ... and my sisters (honorary mention: Piah yang rajin) .. and my mum's usrahmates... and my sisters' friends.. and my friends of course... yang telah membantu mana yang patut when I completely oblivious about any of those...

Sangat banyak barang-barang di rumah... and saya tak terlibat setakat ni... rasa macam wedding orang lain instead of mine.

Risau juga, I'm venturing into something so foreign without proper preparation.. tapi dicelah-celah kesibukan alhamdulillah sempat juga membaca beberapa buku (walaupun ada melompat-lompat.. insyaAllah the gist tu bolehlah dpt huhu).. berbual dengan beberapa individu untuk nasihat-nasihat yang sangat berguna dan menenangkan hati...and do'a yang sentiasa... walaupun tak sempat properly duduk berteleku and tafakur... every second kan Allah tu menjaga kita? setiap saat pun kita didengari... walau macammana pun keadaan kita... but of course.. duduk berkhalwat dgn Allah pada dinihari tanpa gangguan2 lain adalah yang terbaik...but we have to make the best out of what we have...

Ya Allah, aku takut... tapi tau things will be okay.. InsyaAllah..

Apa-apa ketetapan Allah, itu yang terbaik patut berlaku... tak kira ianya baik atau buruk pada pandangan dan pertimbangan manusia...

Apa-apa yang berlaku, itulah yang terbaik ...

Iman is faith...

Hope and fear. Hope and fear. Hope and fear.

2 wings.

Balance.

"Ud'uni astajib lakum..."

---

now, back to work, Muna ...

216:

Knowing that a person like Ustazah Yoyoh Yusroh existed, made me feel worthless.

I always feel like complaining. All the times. About everything. Nothing is right, no one really understand, no task is easy, no time for anything...

And now I feel invalid. I have no right to complain.

Takde alasan untuk tak buat all these, you know, Muna... Takde alasan nak kata tak mampu. Takde alasan nak kata you've tried your best.

Invalid.

--

A much needed tazkirah just when you feel content.

Entah pengakhiran yang macammana bakal menemuiku..

Akan dipandangkah aku oleh Allah.. jika sosok-sosok hebat seperti ini yang mengelilingi? takde can... takde can la...

Syurga itu mahal..

Mujahadah itu bayarannya...

Harta, jiwa.. segalanya...

Baru sedikit... not even a pinch that I can rival with...

Oh Allah...

T____T

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Don't know what I'm talking about? google that name above.

215:

I need a pair of ears. Willing and non-judgemental ears.

I need to let out all of these chaos inside. I need to be listened to as I talk and talk.

I need a pair of eyes. To which I allow myself to be seen as weak.

I need to be watched over as I cry and cry.

.. and be hugged. And be calmed.

---

Oh Allah how I miss you ...

I need to be listened to, I need to be watched over ...

I need YOU.

... and I know you are always here.

Listening, watching ... keeping me safe, keeping me sane.

I know, but I am not feeling it,

yet...

I miss YOU.

I miss YOU.

I miss YOU.

---

Ya As-Sami' ...

Ya Al-Basir ...

Ya Al-Raqib ...

---

Mu'min tu tak tensi kan?

10 days.

And suddenly rasa macam nak abandon everything and go back to the impossible.

Whatever that means.

Oh.

214:

Allahumma bariklana, wabarik alaina ..

Allahumma yasirlana wa la tuassir

Ya Kareem ...

Ya Razzaq ...

Ya Wasi' ...

Ya Ghaniy ...

--

Allahumma firghlana ...

Astarghfirullah ..

Astarghfirullah ..

Astarghfirullah ..

--

Allahumma yasirlana ...

Allahumma bariklana ...

Allahumma irhamna ...

213: Two One Three

In less than 3 weeks time, my life will change forever. Haha, I'm just being dramatic. Our life is constantly changing forever, right? The next moment will never be the same, ever again. The only constant in life is change.

Anyway, I'm currently 'cuak'ing. 4 months passed by so quickly. Yes, I've been engaged for 4 months. Takpelah, orang kata bertunang jangan lama-lama. Sememangnya selama tempoh pertunangan sangat mengujikan. Ye sekarang ini. Sangat-sangat mengharap perkahwinan yang bakal ditempuhi diberkati dan dirahmati... in hoping that, kenalah pastikan setiap langkah dan perbuatan menuju pernikahan itu adalah suci... oh, takut... T_T rabbana la tu akhizna in nasina aw akhto' na.. janganlah Kau hukum kami jika kami terlupa atau tersalah Ya Allah...

Seperti yang dinasihati seseorang yang sangat saya hormati "Dalam ketika ini, harus banyak-banyak beristighfar dan bersolat taubat kpd Allah agar dosa-dosa lalu tidak menjadi kifarah pada anak-anak yang bakal dianugerahi kelak..." Ye.. kita takkan dpt nak bayangkan ujian yang macammana Allah set up kan untuk kita pada masa hadapan.. kalau bukan keatas kita, maybe ke atas anak-anak kita.. atau keturunan yang seterusnya ... "wa kana abuhuma salihan...." Niat harus disucikan. Lillahi ta'ala. Impikan yang terbaik ...Hope and Fear. Hope and Fear, 2 wings that balance each other out...

... and up to now, aku sangat rasa bersyukur, Ya Allah ... segala urusan dari permulaan sehingga sekarang sangat dipermudahkan. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah... Kau permudahkanlah urusan-urusan selepas ini juga ya Allah .. Allahumma yasirlana wala tuassir ...

Yelah, dicelah-celah kesibukan kursus perguruan, kalau nak diukur ikut realiti, macam impossible nak buat macam-macam, wedding preparations di samping kelas yg packed,

assignments and campings! But alhamdulillah ... until now semua masih on track ... walaupun kualiti assignment boleh dipertikaikan ^____^; ... and tidak dinafikan emotional burst sekali-sekala di saat stress yang sangat... ampun maaf kepada yang terlibat dan akan terlibat, 3 weeks to go.. tak tau apa yg korang akan hadapi if you are within 1 metre radius of me. Hoho. Fasa ini adalah tarbiyyah pengujian kesabaran yang sangat. Huuuu... Help me friends ... sesungguhnya hati ini sentiasa dahagakan peringatan ..

And thanks and "Jazakumullahu khayran kathira" to those who have to put up with my weaknesses, especially my mum who has done so so much in terms of my wedding preparation. Sorry sgt, munah tak tau pape T____T.

Having typed all those paragraphs above, I hereby invite all of you my blog readers to my wedding on the 28th May 2011 in Johor Bahru. If you are really coming, do contact me personally either by leaving comments or email, for the invitation card.