Time passes surprisingly slower now that I am home. Maybe because of the routines, maybe because of anticipation. I am not sure.
My teaching course will commence next week. Another year of study, uhuhu. Heard a lot of good and bad things about it. But I'd say, "Bring it on.." I want to get it over and done with. Trials and pains are inevitable. You might as well go through it optimistically without missing the other interesting bits in life.
I went to the Southern Gathering last week. It was a pre-departure programme for future students of Australia and New Zealand. I had a mixed feelings. I feel proud (not the bad proud, but a good proud, kind of like motherly proud if you can understand what I mean) that I managed to finish my studies until the honours year. It was a good asset for the ummah. Like it or not, people are looking up to you. Judging everything that you do, everything that you succeed in, everything that you failed at. I managed to prove that a good muslim is a muslim that is also excellent in their studies. Okay, I know that I am not that excellent. I didn't even get first class honours. But oh well.. people don't need to know that.
Anyway, I was also forced to reminiscence my 4 years of Melbourne. It made me miss it. Melbourne. I always emphasize how I love Melbourne. But my final year there wasn't a happy one, truthfully. I spent most days dreading the honours works, being homesick and countingdown till I was home again. But in the pre-departure programme, I needed to share my experience there.. so I told the juniors the interesting and exciting bits in Melbourne. Things I have forgotten I enjoyed. Places that I love to travel to... the beaches.. the clouds .. the walk to uni ... the tranquility ...
Okay, enough. But I do not want to go back there just yet. I am a 'move on' kind of person. Certain people love to say things like "Oh how I miss school and how I wanted to go back.." but for me, yeah, I love my school, but that won't make me want to re-live my secondary school years. I am moving on, appreciating what I have experienced, and live... towards new adventures and lessons that Allah has set for me.
To all my PPC batch mates, selamat kembali belajar :))))
Monday, January 3, 2011
Life is short. You made a decision one second, then suddenly you were living with the consequence 20 years later.
Tak kisah la apa pun pilihan yang dibuat. Apa yang penting adalah ikhlas yang mendalam hanya kerana Allah dan redha-Nya, dan syariat yang dituruti. I couldn't typed this out without sounding so schematic, cliche and all 'ustazah'. But it couldn't be more true. Aku hanya mahu menjadi hamba yang paling Allah redhai. Aku mahu membuat pilihan yang dengannya aku takkan lupa akan adanya Allah. Rabbi, Ilahi. My all.
J. M. Barrie once said "Life is a long lesson of humility". He nailed it, didn't he? You go through life, you made choices, even the bad ones. Sometimes you just cannot control your own ego. In the beginning, you heart is all pure. You are clear about what you are doing and why you're doing it. But everything takes time. You achieve stuffs, you lose, you win, you fail. In the process, your heart got torn, you suffer, you feel defeated, your ego boost, euphoric moment that makes you so 'big'. On top of the world. The once so pure heart... it changes. The challenge is to make sure, amidst all the twist and turns, you will always remember to look up and remind yourself what you're doing this for. Who you are doing this for. Who you really are. Humility. Humility, when you realize who you are in the eyes of Allah. Nothing else can waver you after that.
People say the world is like shadow. When you're after it, it'll always run away from you.. but if you're after the light, the shadow will follow you...
You learn from your mistakes. You let your ego control you, you lose, and you realize you should've been more humble. You let your nafs take over you, the world, you realize you never feel enough, you realize its never what you want...
Urgh, I'm failing to explain what I really feel and mean. But It's okay.
Life is short, and we can't wait till we comprehend it but we definitely will meet Allah, with all our choices written in the book, presented in front of Him.
I am not sure how the future will be. I am never sure about what is right. But at the moment, all I manage to do are weighing all my options and use my logic, and heart, and of course what my Allah says, to determine the choice. Istikhara. I am begging a choice from you oh Allah. For you are the one "taqdir", and I am not "aqdir".. wa anta ta'lam.. wa la a'lam... I just want to be the best 'abd'. Choose me.
... bismillahi tawakaltu alallah ..
hasbiyallah wa ni'mal wakeel, ni'mal maula wa ni'man naseer...
and whatever happen afterwards, you will be okay.
Life is short.
Everything will be okay.
The next challenge is to make sure I retain my already-so-bad-english writing skill. Go me :)