It's like, you are about to jump the bungee, but you pause for a moment before you let go. That pause. It doesn't mean that you don't want to jump. You just need that moment to be prepared. A moment of clarity. To be clear of what you really want. And how much you want it. Or maybe just to be sure that everything's alright if you let go now. Like, no tangled rope around your leg, or that your harness is really locked in place. Something like that.
Melbourne is more than 6000 miles away now. It's been almost a week since I arrived here. I tried to be ready for any possibilities of events. Expect the unexpected. And I guess till now I am calm. Yes, calm.
Change is good. I have the power to decide who I want to be. I choose to be who I think the best I should be. Idealist at the start, realist in the heart. Whatever that means.
This is a new beginning. Al-Muntalaq.
Allahummahdini. In each and every little step that I take ...
The future is something so scary. When you realized how scary it is, you don't feel like moving at all. Uncertainties. I hate uncertainties. But this just shows how shallow my understanding on the dependence on Allah.
Results are in and my flight is confirmed to be on the 18th. But believe it or not I am not quite done here. I still need to do my talk which is scheduled on Thursday, next week. But no need to worry, just need to get it over and done with. In the mean time, I've got packing and shipping to do, friends to visit, people to get in touch with, a weekend retreat to attend, painful shopping for others, replying emails..lots of them! and the one I most look forward to: kitchen and toilet scrubbing. Oh yeah.
The clock is ticking. My time here is coming to an end. Honestly, right now all I'm feeling is how I just want to leave this place. I cannot wait to be back. This year is emotionally exhausting and I am tired. But I am not running away. This is the right move. To let go. To move on. To survive. To revive.
I am not attaching my heart to anything. I know I cannot blame the place or environment on how I behave. It's just, the right thing to do. For me, for everyone else.
But truthfully I know, when I have settled down at home. I will begin to look back at all the memories and I will miss them. My first step on the land of Melbourne. The first breath of air that I inhaled. The sensation that I felt around the face caused by my own curve of smile. That was the beginning. And from there, everything else unfolded.
Orientation week. First lectures. Being lost at uni. First train ride to Caulfield. Car ride to Heidelberg. The beautiful autumn. Sydney for the first time. Brief stop at Canberra. Port Melbourne. Brighton beach. Winter. The cold yet warm winter. Jigsaw Puzzle. Ski trip, twice in a month! My rebellion. My confusion. Friends. Friends. Friends. Il Dolce and the long walk home afterwards. Expensive roti John and silly childish game at Argyle Square. Suprises. Spring. Tulips. Salam Perantauan. Laksa Johor. Ayam yogurt. Laksam. Iftar. 20th birthday... and so on .. sangat banyak!! and this is just a part of first year.
Yes I can remember them all now. But my thoughts and feelings are overwhelmed by the fact that I am leaving and I am so happy. I cannot really appreciate the memories.But that does not mean I don't treasure it.
Thank God for everything. Alhamdulillah. I have learned a lot. And that makes me realized that there are so much more to be learned.
Right now I am not really sure when I am leaving. When involving the ministry, I tend to be the 'malas nak layan' kind of person. So I will wait. They won't let me stay here forever, right? By hook or by crook I'm gonna be back by January, insyaAllah.
Awak, mungkin Allah tak bagi something yg kita nak sangat, sebab kalau kita dapat sesuatu tu, kita terus depend on that something, and pergantungan kepada Allah tercacat...
it's not wrong to be dependant on people, but it is something dangerous ... supaya kita jelas 100% hati kita ini milik siapa... supaya kita sedar kemampuan diri yg sebenar... supaya meletakkan cinta pada tempat yg sepatutnya..
you know, macam Harry.. the author really understands this fact.. that's why she made Harry orphan.. that's why Sirius Black is killed.. Dumbledore too...because Harry was deceived by the presence of all these people..
Semoga awak sedar akan cinta Allah terhadap diri awak.. sedarlah, Allah loves you so much, and how dare you to turn away...
I just want to be happy
apa-apapun, back to basic my dear... happiness in this mortal world is never the goal.. in the hereafter, yes..
tadi on the way balik dalam kereta habis nangis.. oy oy! jangan.. blur mata tak nampak jalan.. dah lah tengah hujan... ye ke awak? bahaye!
argh stress dgn diri.. dan awak, saya takutnyeeee... whatever in store for me in the future..
"katakanlah kami ini adalah hanyalah miliknya Allah yang akan kembali kepadaNya kapan da dimana saja..." - tashiru
I defered my graduation. Alhamdulillah tenang sikit rasa. Kalau tak stress juga nak siapkan thesis ni dengan kebarangkalian tak dapat nak siap asik bermain-main di kepala di saat perlu buat keputusan tentang graduasi dikala keadaan kewangan bukanlah di tahap yang best sangat, hundreds of dollar for an event.. wah pandainya mereka mencari duit tetapi tak se'pandai' kroni2 di Malaysia yang cuba mencekau RM5billion senang-senang sahaja tanpa menghirau suara rakyat-rakyat yg bayar duit cukai yg banyak dengan subsidi minyak yg dikurangkan dan duit tol dinaikkan.
Mortar board jadi motivasi, boleh tak? Eh mana boleh, murahnya nak beli diri. Wah ganasnya bunyi post kali ini. Saya seriously sedang stress tetapi masih boleh di kawal, tak caya tanya roommate, saya kelihatan sangat rileks sekali. Saya ada 9 hari sahaja lagi utk thesis submission. Tapi (hua.. kenapa tetibe mata berair ni) tapi saya banyak sangat lagi nak tulis. Tapi saya tak boleh tulis sebab saya tak faham. Ye saya tak faham banyak sangat walaupun dah hampir setahun kononnya saya bergelumang dengan projek ini. I don't even know what I've been doing. Saya merasakan bahawa satu tahun wasted. Wasted. Down the drain. Mungkin sebab saya perfectionist. I don't think whatever I get is good enough. Oh susah sekali mahu menulis sepenuhnya dalam bahasa melayu. Call me whatever you want. Lupa daratan is a good choice.
Thesis, y u no write yourself
*inhale* .... *exhale*
Okay. I am okay. I just need to let this out. There.
Dear Allah, help me .. bima syi'ta .. I've been doing injustice to myself....forgive me... .. Allahumma zidni ilman war zuqni fahman..
Dear all, please say your prayer for me pretty please.. hadiah birthday, boleh kan?
Daylight saving starts today. Although I've been through this twice a year for 4 years in a row now, it never fails to confuse me in the morning.
Did my computer adjust its clock automatically? How about my phone? Do I have to change the setting anywhere? How can I tell when it has changed itself or not? Am I supposed to minus or add one hour?
Okay. so, dear family in Malaysia, now the time difference's 3 hours, thank you. I want to spare you the confusing theory behind all this 'saving up daylight due to the day becomes longer as summer is approaching" stuff, just accept the new time now, okay?
I have the ability to de-associate my mind from thinking about something. This comes in handy most of the time, and it's doing me good, keeping me from feeling too stressed due to the nature of just being a human; you have too many things to do with the little time you have..
But it's also pretty dangerous. I can let go of something so easily. (But this does not apply to something I really really love affectionately, this will be the topic of discussion in the coming paragraph). A task, a problem, a thought. I'll just tell myself "Shh.. stop thinking about it, let it go, put it aside for the time being". It's affecting people. And it can displaced the optimal stress I need to feel which supposed to be the driving force for me to work when the deadline is just, say, 3 weeks away???
Another dangerous 'thing' that yours truly has to deal with is OBSESSION. I easily get obsessed over anything that attracts me. Anything that intrigues me. Anything that switches on the light bulb in my mind. The eureka moment. It's something I appreciate having to a certain extent. I mean, that's how I can push myself to learn, gain knowledge and all.. but it can go a bit too far sometimes.
And I'm telling you, getting over an obsession is very hard, speaking from experience here.. and unfortunately, this is where my ability to deassociate becomes void.
What an irony. I just don't understand.
Just some random thoughts in the afternoon, while I am supposed to be panicking about my thesis but as you can see, I have succesfully deassociate my mind from thinking about it.
Thank you for reading, but really I'm just writing for my own reflection, my quest to find ways to fix me...
La hawla wa la quwwata illa billah. Allahummahdini..
Here's another round of random pictures taken here and there. Yours truly's life from the lens of her pink Sony Cybershot..
There's this engraver in the lab that made me so jakun. I even engraved my log book which caused irreversible damage. (Mana boleh engrave kertas, munah oi.. walaupun hakikatnya kertas tu tebal dan keras!!)
This is the instrument that makes the most annoying sound in the lab. I'll only operate it when there's no one else in the lab.
Something traumatic happened last night on the tram. I swear I'm not gonna go back by tram at night ever again, alone. Walking seems much safer. Oh the irony of life...GOSH!! macammana nak lupa ye???
Today is 1st Ramadhan. Padan muka sendiri kot sebab balik lambat dr uni semalam padahal org lain sibuk nak habis kerja cepat2 and focus on malam pertama~~
Bajet rajin, padahal tak. I was waiting for MATLAB to finish calculating. It took such long time and semalam tu, when it finished, I realized I didn't do something correctly so .... so... such a waste of time.
Oh, patience. Ujian bergeduk-gedebuk pada 1 Ramadhan 1431 H.
Ya Allah, tempatkan aku sebahagian dr al-mukhlisin.....
On a happier note, my supervisor baru bagi green light utk balik Malaysia nnt. But he said, kene accelerate la buat segala apa yg boleh before balik ni.. oraito insyaAllah.
Alhamdulillah juga, walaupun sedih tidak dpt menyambut 1 Ramadhan kerana diberi MC oleh Allah.. tapi happy juga dapat menyediakan makanan utk org yg berbuka hari ini.. dear housemates, selamat berpuasa.. semoga dapat berbuka dengan gembira nanti :D
Hari ini birthday Nuha. Adikku yang ke *emm.. kira jap..* oh, yang keenam. Tadi bila nak wish, dok kira-kira birthday yang keberapa. Tetibe cam terkejut. Oh, 12. Dua belas. Dah beso dah adikku. Dan teenager.
Setiap kali kalau nak balik summer (atau balik msia la secara generalnya), mesti beli souvenir utk siblings. And when it comes to buy for Hayat and Nuha, mesti fikir beli gula-gula, coklat ke... atau pensil box warnawarni ke.. mainan ke.. stickers ke.. bende2 budak2 la kiranya.. but now, when I realize they're teen already, I guess that kind of souvenir dah tak appropriate kan??
Seriously, DAH BESAR! and time does pass us by.. just like that.. tak tercatch up.. adik beradik sendiri pun... apatah lagi sedara mara yang sangat ramai tu... bila tengok gambar2 masa majlis Pi'ee and majlis Ulfah... mulut ternganga je slalu.. wah tak kenal, wah dia ni dah besar! wah siapa ni.. wah dah ada anak dah.. wah wah wah...
I guess I've stayed here long enough. Nak balik.
No matter how hideous the reality is, there are always so much things that I'm grateful for. Hidup ni, adalah a life-long learning process... it's not just about enjoying the good things in life.. scrap that, it's not about enjoying at all.. kalau ada bende happy, great, bagus, alhamdulillah diberi peluang merasainya.. but, hakikatnya, hidup ini perjuangan, and when we said perjuangan, of course its going to be hideous. So, stay strong and focus, Mai!
Okay, tak pasal2 je masuk bab lain. I'm so unfocused right now. Emotionally unstable. I want to bounce back. Higher and higher. Taknak mati dalam keadaan down. Huhu.
The internet used to be so private. I mean, I never had to be so paranoid if this or that person will read whatever crap I write.
I started blogging 7 years ago, when I was in form 4. At that time, barely any of my friends know what a blog is. Yahoo messenger's users were so scarce too. My online friends were mostly people I've never met; penpals and people that shared interests. Friends at school were busy studying biology, physics or all the school subjects while I indulged myself in HTML and CSS tutorials, website making tips, different blogging platforms, photoshop for hours and hours etc2 but php was beyond me I could never comprehend the tute (and never tried again after I finished school and started to get busy with the real life.. :p).
So, then, no one close to me really knew me (ironic nye, the real me was the one online...)..and I was happy with that. I mean, I never had to care if my school friends suddenly stumbled upon my blog since most of them didn't even have internet connection at their home, at that time.. I rarely finished my school work. After I came back from school, everyday, I'd spent hours on the computer. Or if I got the mood, I would draw.
The point of this post is? evident, isn't it? It's harder to write nowadays.
When the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me.
I used to feel so distant and irrelevant about the conflicts. Yeah, people are talking about the genocide, open air prison, boycotting, the zionist conspiracy etc etc. Yeah, I was aware and I thought I understand the situation. I boycotted because that's a logical thing to do. I supported the cause. I said I'm fighting for them. "Untukmu jiwa-jiwa kami.. untukmu darah kami..". I felt utter outrage when the Israeli attacked Gaza early last year. How could them, yea? How could them. I understand the history.. I could explain what happened.. I could explain why we should condemn.. why the Palestine is our issue. I thought I really relate to all that.
But when the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me. Things are so close now. There were people that I know personally on board. My classmate's father was one of them. And my dad's friends. Allah, then only I realized the issue had never been that close to my heart... The worry I felt for them whom I know personally, is different from what I felt for Gazan. For Gazan, am I just pretending to love and care for them just because it's the right thing to do? For Gazan, my outrage and sadness, are they real? For Gazan, am I really fighting.. like I always said? "Ini perjuangan kita.. ". Do I express my concern on the issue just because everyone else is doing it? And the questions keep on coming.
When the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me. I always felt like Syahid is something so distant. But now, it feels so close. So close.... And yes, I can be one of the Syahidah insyaAllah!!!
Impikan the ultimate husnul khatimah.. mati syahid di jalan Allah...
Inna lillah wa inna ilahi raji'un.
Dari Allah kita datang, kepadaNya kita kembali.
Kepada keluarga Mc Kamaliah (@Tipah) dan Pakcik Sani, Husna, Huda, Maryam, Maddin.. semoga terus bersabar dan kuat. Allah pilih Jannah. Allah pilih keluarga korang semua.. insyaAllah pemergiannya dalam keadaan baik, the legacy she left.. is something that kita boleh menjadi saksi nanti untuk Jannah... didoakan smg Allah menempatkan Jannah di kalangan anbiya' dan syahidin.. yang telah memilih perjuangan sbg jalan hidupnya insyAllah..
When I pass I don’t want to leave a life of regret So I give rise to change today by trying not to forget That pleasures do pass and sunrises end and stars do fade away But it’s love and it’s virtue and honor and truth that remain for all days
I want that final breath to be the sweetest of all And it will be with certainty if I answer the call To help all those in need and decipher the meaning of life Cause the seekers of truth they fear not death any more than they fear life
Tetiber hari ni teringat lyrics Kareem Salama ni.. I often need reminders...
Satria ESQ, go go go! Satria ESQ, fight fight fight! Satria ESQ, win win win!!!
I need to submit the reviews for 10 papers tomorrow.... but I have done none. NONE. I was/am struggling to make sense of the articles... dah baca bape round still tak make sense.. macammana nak summarize??
Then my mind is preoccupied by unnecessary stuff. Oh Allah help me get rid of all these thoughts. At least for now. Tak payah risau bende2 yg tak pasti tu dik oi~ It's distracting! sangat...
And I've wasted yesterday since I was down with fever and couldn't get anything done... tula, procrastinate lagi!!
Oh Allah forgive me... aku menzalimi diriku sendiri... :((
Dia kata "Yes, you can ask people and get the answer.. but how can you be sure he has the right answer? always refer to the manual! The manufacturer knows better." So true isn't it? Of course he's refering to the handling of the machine in the Colloid lab. But...