171:

Hari ini birthday Nuha. Adikku yang ke *emm.. kira jap..* oh, yang keenam. Tadi bila nak wish, dok kira-kira birthday yang keberapa. Tetibe cam terkejut. Oh, 12. Dua belas. Dah beso dah adikku. Dan teenager.

Setiap kali kalau nak balik summer (atau balik msia la secara generalnya), mesti beli souvenir utk siblings. And when it comes to buy for Hayat and Nuha, mesti fikir beli gula-gula, coklat ke... atau pensil box warnawarni ke.. mainan ke.. stickers ke.. bende2 budak2 la kiranya.. but now, when I realize they're teen already, I guess that kind of souvenir dah tak appropriate kan??

Seriously, DAH BESAR! and time does pass us by.. just like that.. tak tercatch up.. adik beradik sendiri pun... apatah lagi sedara mara yang sangat ramai tu... bila tengok gambar2 masa majlis Pi'ee and majlis Ulfah... mulut ternganga je slalu.. wah tak kenal, wah dia ni dah besar! wah siapa ni.. wah dah ada anak dah.. wah wah wah...

I guess I've stayed here long enough. Nak balik.

No matter how hideous the reality is, there are always so much things that I'm grateful for. Hidup ni, adalah a life-long learning process... it's not just about enjoying the good things in life.. scrap that, it's not about enjoying at all.. kalau ada bende happy, great, bagus, alhamdulillah diberi peluang merasainya.. but, hakikatnya, hidup ini perjuangan, and when we said perjuangan, of course its going to be hideous. So, stay strong and focus, Mai!

Okay, tak pasal2 je masuk bab lain. I'm so unfocused right now. Emotionally unstable. I want to bounce back. Higher and higher. Taknak mati dalam keadaan down. Huhu.

Be good, all.

Doakan exam and assignments saya all goooooood~

170:

"It's hard to write. But it's harder not to"
-Carl Van Doren

169:

The internet used to be so private. I mean, I never had to be so paranoid if this or that person will read whatever crap I write.

I started blogging 7 years ago, when I was in form 4. At that time, barely any of my friends know what a blog is. Yahoo messenger's users were so scarce too. My online friends were mostly people I've never met; penpals and people that shared interests. Friends at school were busy studying biology, physics or all the school subjects while I indulged myself in HTML and CSS tutorials, website making tips, different blogging platforms, photoshop for hours and hours etc2 but php was beyond me I could never comprehend the tute (and never tried again after I finished school and started to get busy with the real life.. :p).

So, then, no one close to me really knew me (ironic nye, the real me was the one online...)..and I was happy with that. I mean, I never had to care if my school friends suddenly stumbled upon my blog since most of them didn't even have internet connection at their home, at that time.. I rarely finished my school work. After I came back from school, everyday, I'd spent hours on the computer. Or if I got the mood, I would draw.

The point of this post is? evident, isn't it? It's harder to write nowadays.

168: Syuhada' yang kukenali

When the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me.

I used to feel so distant and irrelevant about the conflicts. Yeah, people are talking about the genocide, open air prison, boycotting, the zionist conspiracy etc etc. Yeah, I was aware and I thought I understand the situation. I boycotted because that's a logical thing to do. I supported the cause. I said I'm fighting for them. "Untukmu jiwa-jiwa kami.. untukmu darah kami..". I felt utter outrage when the Israeli attacked Gaza early last year. How could them, yea? How could them. I understand the history.. I could explain what happened.. I could explain why we should condemn.. why the Palestine is our issue. I thought I really relate to all that.

But when the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me. Things are so close now. There were people that I know personally on board. My classmate's father was one of them. And my dad's friends. Allah, then only I realized the issue had never been that close to my heart... The worry I felt for them whom I know personally, is different from what I felt for Gazan. For Gazan, am I just pretending to love and care for them just because it's the right thing to do? For Gazan, my outrage and sadness, are they real? For Gazan, am I really fighting.. like I always said? "Ini perjuangan kita.. ". Do I express my concern on the issue just because everyone else is doing it? And the questions keep on coming.

When the Mavi Marmara was attacked, reality hit me. I always felt like Syahid is something so distant. But now, it feels so close. So close.... And yes, I can be one of the Syahidah insyaAllah!!!

Impikan the ultimate husnul khatimah.. mati syahid di jalan Allah...

----

Inna lillah wa inna ilahi raji'un.

Dari Allah kita datang, kepadaNya kita kembali.

Kepada keluarga Mc Kamaliah (@Tipah) dan Pakcik Sani, Husna, Huda, Maryam, Maddin.. semoga terus bersabar dan kuat. Allah pilih Jannah. Allah pilih keluarga korang semua.. insyaAllah pemergiannya dalam keadaan baik, the legacy she left.. is something that kita boleh menjadi saksi nanti untuk Jannah... didoakan smg Allah menempatkan Jannah di kalangan anbiya' dan syahidin.. yang telah memilih perjuangan sbg jalan hidupnya insyAllah..