242:

.. and its still not stopping.

The firecrackers. And it has been 40 minutes since it started. And I can't sleep. And its way past 12.

Its deepavali. I feel like going through history, looking for when this firecracker tradition started. For every kind of celebration, there will be firecrackers..

I live in a multiracial neighbourhood. So for any holiday season, be it raya, chinese new year, diwali or random time of the year, there will be firecrackers.

I wonder how much money has been burnt? for it too be this long?

I tried to take a tolerant stand. They didnt complaint when its raya.

But seriously, I just dont get it.

Thank God my children slept thru it.

Okay, nothing to complain!

241:

I feel the need to revive the positive mindset I had when I was younger. The belief in the law of attraction and the dreams that came true.

The first step is acknowledge your weakness. I know I cannot multitask. I have hard time focusing. But I really want to further my study. I need to! It is a necessity!

So, my target is the HLP. Hadiah Latihan Persekutuan. Doing my master's degree while having cuti bergaji penuh.

Before this it sounds impossible since I am just a mediocre teacher, I havent achieved anything significant in my career. But after talking to few collegues of mine who actually got the scholarship, I feel so motivated now.

If I say I cant, that means I cant.
If I say I can, I can! I will. I am achieving it! with Allah's will. Kun fayakun.

So, dream on, live on!

Need to research on the steps. I heard to application only open mid year. So .. satu persatu, mun. One step at a time, slowly but surely.

240: snooze

You've got so many plans on tour to-do list. You keep on hoping for the children to take a longer nap, or being so occupied playing that they forget u for hours, so that you have time to catch up with your stuff.

But when you actually being granted that rare moment, like right now, all you want to do is just lay down and close your eyes and forget everything.

k, bye

239:

How cliche, I miss writing.

But if u lack input, how can you hope for output. The violation of law of energy conservation.

I feel the need to attend a structured course, on anything. So that my thinking will get structured again. So that i can think clearly again. Right now my brain is scattering everywhere.

Or maybe i need to have a proper notebook, or planner, or diary, something that i can write on the go. Pfttt what an excuse. Don't i have a very 'smart' phone. Which i'm using right now, updating, in class, while the students are doing the work i gave them...

How can i fully utilise the phone when at home i'm refraining myself from using it due to my children? no phone or laptop or tablet for them..  and at school of course with all the integrity issue?

ahh.. all excuses, but it sure does halting me

238: and then its over

Eid is exactly a week from now. Ramadhan comes fleeting by just like that.  Like this.  This person was far from ready to celebrate its arrival and yet now its already leaving..

Life as a mom of two and career woman is tough. Need to renew niat at every single thing that i do even tho it looks like such a waste of time (like lipat baju then kene selongkar balik, mop lantai bape saat dah tumpah air balik T_T)

Semasa diri seorang pelajar, fokusnya banyak pada ibadah khusus.  Nak kejar khatam quran,  nak kejar pahala iktikaf,  nak kejar rakaat2 tahajud..  But now not anymore..

Widening ibadah scope..  Belajar ikhlaskan hati n redha n happy.. Syukur selalu..

Semoga Allah memberkati

237: transient

I was browsing and selecting photos from my undergrad years in Melbourne when it struck me .. few people I met during my journey there have actually departed from this world. One of them was my age,  another one was 2 years my junior.

They died.  It is so strange using that word. Death.  We know we are not immortal yet, it never fails to make us feel  vulnerable whenever one of us is touched by death.

We felt like we were on top of the world,  we became the selected fews who managed to secure the overseas scholarship. We felt like we were meant to be someone,  somebody important to the world,  and yet,  and yet one of us died.

.. and i came back home, and still i am nobody.

What defines a person? 

That short period of euphoric Melbourne moments, what is the purpose?

From Him we came,  and to Him we will return.

236: Perception

Our eyes are so easily deceived. Ever heard of optical illusion? Yeah, so easily like that, we are being cheated. But why people are so convinced and masih jadikan hujah dengan apa yang dilihat?

There are so many possible perspective towards something,and truth are so 'big' .. Ilmu Allah itu luas sangat-sangat.

Ilmu yang dikurniakan Allah kpd kita hanya sedikit cuma dan itu bukanlah tiket utk kita menjadi bongkak dan memandang orang lain senget hanya kerana pandangannya berbeza dengan kita.

Rasulullah swt diutuskan utk menyempurnakan akhlak yang mulia. The syariah are all binded in the Quran, but how we act upon it, we have to follow the prophet's way.

La tamsyi fil ardhi maraha.

Janganlah berjalan di atas muka bumi dlm keadaan sombong...

Wa khaliqi nas, bikhuluqil hasan.

Pergaulilah manusia dengan akhlak yang baik ..

And, never stop learning.

Iqra'

235: munchkins

Alhamdulillah Allah has blessed me with these 2 daughters. With them, I learn what the word Sabr really means ..

I learn that, parenting is something so easy to have an opinion about, but is actually the hardest thing to 'do'..

I learn that I am learning everyday, and sometimes (or many times) I made mistakes and never am the perfect mom .. But I am the perfect mom for my daughters, and my daughters are the perfect children for me. We truly are learning together about life .. We are the perfect companions ..

There are times when I feel so exhausted and I wish I can turn back time and not having them .. But I am sure I wont be the same person that I am now ..

I pray to Allah that they can be the most beloved abd of Allah and useful to the ummah ..

Sometimes I think my children are so cute and pretty and perfect that I feel so scared it is only that way because Allah will take them away from me sooner than I anticipate.. I am such a paranoid mom..

I just hope whatever Allah has in store for me, and for them, are only so that we are all closer to Him .. I know that will always be the case, He will never abandon us and He only set the best plan for us.. But I just hope i can remember that when the unexpected come..

234: the revival

Assalamualaikum wbt..
Pheww.. 2 years it has been! Do i still have readers here? Do blog readers still exist?

I was thinking to seriously start writing again. So much things are happening and i need to pen my thoughts and reflections.

I haven't stopped writing these few years, just that I think whatever I've written are too personal to be shared publicly.

What I'm looking forward to be shared here insyaAllah for general reflections on life and our deen.

I'm writing not because I know things.. Or that i'm better than others, but I write in the hope of improving myself.

As an INFJ, writing help me straighten my thoughts and validate my feelings.

I just hope to God i can be istiqamah ..

Great, I'm back!