45: Inni as'aluka

I envy those who are highly motivated, full of enthusiasm all the time. I envy those who only know little, but grasp it and hold on to it so dearly, keyakinan yang sangat-sangat dengan kebenaran yang dia tahu, walaupun sedikit. I envy those who really believe, without them saying much, people can sense from their words, from their actions, that they really do believe. I envy those who can feel the signs of Him everywhere around him/her , at any time of any given day. I envy those who never bersangka-sangka terhadap Allah, even when the worst of trial hits them, say, terminal illnesses, loss of loved ones, fitnahs, etc. I envy those who can easily heal from their grief. I envy those who can quickly rebounce from the greatest affliction. I envy those who are full with optimism with whatever that comes into their way. I envy their positiveness..

I envy them, because I’m not one of them.

And Allah,
How I really really want to be this person. Strong. Sebenar-benar taqwa. Sebenar-benar tawakal. Yang benar-benar berpegang kepada: La hawla quwatta illa billah.

You know everything that resides here in this fu’ady.

Oh Allah, I feel like a hypocrite.
No doubt You have given me the luxury of knowledge,
the luxury of kesenangan untuk beramal,
But yet, here I am.. so weak and hati penuh su’u zhon, sangka-sangkaan buruk.

I am one of those, oh Allah.. those who you described “fi qulubihim maradhun fazadahumullahu maradha..” (di dalam dada mereka ada penyakit lalu ditambahkan lagi penyakit)

Aku sangat bersyukur, sampai saat ini, setiap kali dilanda kekacauan, you never actually let me go. Tidak ditarik nyawa saat hati penuh kemaksiatan. Hati tunduk kepada kekufuran tanpa aku sendiri sedari!

(2:28)

Sungguh aku takut akan azab-Mu, Ya Allah.. Sungguh aku sangat ingin syurga-Mu.. sangat ingin menghadap-Mu nanti, penuh keredhaan.

Aku hamba-Mu, ya Al-Aziz..
Ingatkan aku selalu yang aku tak selemah ini.

Aku kuat, aku tabah, aku boleh bersabar,
Kerana aku hamba-Mu.. Anta Al-Aziz, Al-Azhim, Al-Qawiy, Al-Hayyu, Al-Qayyum!

Anta Al-Mujeeb.. Anta Al-Afw..

Anta As-Sami’ .. Anta Al-Alim....

Anta Al-Lathif....

(3:193)