226: 7 Months

Semalam 7 bulan!

:)

Saya sekarang di Melaka. Meh la melawat.

Tunggu posting and jadi suri rumah mithali. Huhu.

225: Beautiful

You know what I suddenly miss?

Proving an equation.

Third year Electrodynamics.

I'm not sure whether I can still remember how, though. Nearly two years since I left it without any revision.

But I sure remember the satisfying and wonderful feeling you get when you finally arrive at the last line of the loooong proof (can be few pages long mind you~) successfully without error or careless mistake .. hence this is equal to THIS. #proven!

It doesn't matter how messy the working is. You'll feel terrified and anxious. "This doesn't look right". "Is this supposed to be this ugly and long??" "I'm stuck I'm stuck".... but when you keep going and doing it slowly and carefully... suddenly your equation got more and more neat until you come to the last bit... beautiful. #proven!

Sheshhh... I don't know why I'm writing this either.

224:

Alhamdulillah

I turned 24 few days ago on 19th October. Wah, it sounds so grown up. I still feel like I stop growing when I was 17. Maturity wise, at least. Hoho.

I'm an adult now. Dealing with the real world. I'm married and all. Haha. But since I'm still a student, I'm not really there yet. I know that.

There are so many things that I just can't wait for. To settle down with my husband, to have kids, to start working, to settle down.

But that's what life's about right? Dealing with the moment. Sometimes we are too focused on the future and instead neglecting what's happening now. The reality. Time is passing so quickly, it never stops. We feel impatient and can't wait for one thing to happen, then it happens and passes, the we can't wait for another thing to happen and the cycle continues until when?

Like right now, I can't wait to finish my exam and finish this course. Then I can't wait to move in together with DH. Then I can't wait to get pregnant. Then I can't wait to deliver the baby. Then I can't wait to start working, then I can't wait for my first salary, then I can't wait for school holiday, then I can't wait to buy our own house, then I can't wait for my children to grow up and get married and then I can't wait to die..

na'uzubillah min syaitonirrojim...

In every phase of our life, there are tests. Different for everyone, but one thing for sure, it demands our patience.

Kehidupan adalah satu tarbiyyah kesabaran yang panjang. Sangat sangat. Di setiap fasa, harus bersabar. Deal with what's happening now with utmost patience and act according to what Allah wants us to do.. follow the syari'ah.. with taqwa.

And also, life is not just about going through your personal development.. family and career wise. What's and where's the ending? Life is much much more than that.

We all need purpose. A clear one.

We need to think why we are all on the same earth. Why we are 'forced' to live with other people on this small earth compared to the oh so big universe. Why do Allah put us all so closely together, tambah2 lagi when now is the era of globalization where you just cannot define the boundary. You like it or now, we are living together with purpose on this earth.

--

Why am I ranting like this. I guess this is a form of therapy for me although clearly I,myself, am not very sure where this is leading me...

Tough week, but I will be okay.

“Menakjubkan sungguh urusan orang beriman. Segala perkaranya adalah kebaikan. Dan itu tidak terjadi kecuali pada orang yang beriman. Jika mendapat nikmat, ia bersyukur dan syukur itu baik baginya. Jika ditimpa musibah dia bersabar, dan sabar itu baik baginya” (HR Abu Dawud & AT Tirmidzi)

--

Special thanks and Jazakumullahukhayran kathira to both of my parents for giving birth to me, and raising me.. put up with me, throughout these years. I simply cannot repay all your sacrifices. I love you, so so so much. I will be okay, don't worry.. (I know you don't, I'm just being perasan :p)

223: So, this is goodbye then

Alhamdulillah...

Like what people always say.. "Everything will be okay in the end, if it's not okay, it's not the end"

So today is my last day here in SMK Tmn Bukit Indah. At last the practicum is coming to an end. And Alhamdulillah everything's done and classes in maktab will resume next week. No more stressful observation and critics. No more looooooong rph.

I had my last class with 4A (Physics) on Tuesday, Aisyah and I ordered some cakes (choc marshmallow, and tiramisu cake) and blueberry cheese tarts for them but due to unforeseen circumstances, only half of the class who were willing to stay back can taste the delicious treat.

One of the student gave me this, there are some gifts inside. Thank you Nabilla.. :)

And for 4E, my last class with them (Mathematics) was yesterday. I was planning to merajuk with them, not belanja them anything... but I found that I'm too soft-hearted haha. So I bought them a chocolate bar for each student. And I asked them to write anything for me and those writings/drawing truly made my day although I know some of them were just 'bodek'ing me... Half of the class are chinese, the other half are indians and 2 malay students.

Some honorary mentions:

"Saya suka matematik. Tetapi lebih kepada cikgu. Cikgu Matematik sangat cantik. Maths sebenarnya senang, tapi sangat susah. Selama ini saya sudah naik pressure. Kalau boleh kita chat dalam facebook"

"Cikgu Maimunah sangat bagus mengajar matematik. Dia mengajar matematik dengan teknik yang boleh difahami dengan senang. Walaupun matematik susah sangat bagi saya tetapi selepas cikgu Maimunah mengajar matematik sekarang bagi saya senang sikit. Saya berdoa agar cikgu maimunah mengajar di sekolah yang bagus dan menjadi pakar matematik"

"Welcome to 4 Elok! See you again, good bye!...."

"My name is Cheng Hui. I'm fine. Are you okay? May I help you? Math is very easy but I don't like Math due to no mood!!"

"Saya suka kelas math but don't do the exercise. I don't understand math but this exam I am pass so thanks for teacher. I miss you and never forget you"

"Math is very easy but english got little hard"

"Selama 2 bulan cikgu ajar saya ttg math, ada peningkatan pada diri saya. First time saya lulus dalam ujian. Saya takkan lupa jasa baik cikgu. Cikgu kadang2 agak kelaka. Memang best and happylah belajar dengan cikgu. Apa yang cikgu ajar saya mudah faham ada juga tak faham hehehe. Semoga cikgu bahagia, ceria selalu!"

"Tq for teacher this few month teaching let me get a good marks in pertengahan tahun exam. Before that m no interest in Math. But after teacher teaching I can understand what teacher is teaching in Math. Teacher is a friendly and nice speaking person with us. Hope teacher will come back teach again in this class. Thank you teacher"

"Di kelas matematik ada seorang cikgu yang happy best baik peramah. Cikgu mengajar memang baik je tak ada marah-marah macam cikgu lain. dan cikgu lawa juga! hehehe ^^ dan semoga bahagia selalu dan murah rezeki. Thanks cikgu sebab mengajar saya dalam kelas ini :D"

Thank you 4A and 4E for cooperating (and not cooperating) with me throughout this practicum. I learn a lot these past 2 and half months.. knowing myself more and more while I dealt with all of you. Thank you for the memories too! Dare to dream big, you will achieve it!

:)

So... bye SMKTBI ... I hope I'll get posted at better school, with students who actually want to learn even though they are weak. Baru tak rasa sia-sia belajo tinggi2 sampai ostralia. Ni buat habis suara dan tenaga je tiap kali masuk 4E sebab most students memang mindset taknak belajar.

Souvenir for all teachers from Aisyah & I

I hope I'll be a better teacher in the future. More patient and more hikmah in dealing with students like them. I know it's my role to motivate and inspire them... but sometimes the workload are just too much for teachers... even teachers need help, support and motivation, dalam banyak-banyak segi. Barulah boleh mengoptimumkan tenaga untuk kemajuan pelajar bukan saje dari segi akademik... but more importantly their spiritual and emotional intellects.

Oklah... all the best to all students.

As for me, I'll be having my RMIT graduation this weekend in KL! at last, graduating with the topi. Haha. Ok just kidding... what I appreciate about this moment most is the fact that I can celebrate it with my loved one.. especially my husband, and my parents. I've attended graduation in the past without them (parents je la masa tu, sbb tak kawen lg).. agak sedih juga la.. although my dad keep on saying "Buat apela nak konvo-konvo ni.. abah dulu tak attend pun convo.." heheh... but I still want it! Alhamdulillah... I'll be graduating with Honours in Bachelor of Science (Applied Sciences) from the RMIT University, Victoria, Australia (aah.. I miss Melbourne....).

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal...

We can be the happiest woman in the world if we allow ourselves to feel content, syukur, and beramal sebaiknya untuk 'wajhullah" .... fahami dan mengerti dengan nilai dunia yang sebentar cuma... memahami hakikat akhirat yang selama lama lama lamanya!

222:

First syawal @ Parit Usop, Muar with my new family-in-law

Second syawal at Parit Setongkat, Muar with my big family

Fourth syawal with married siblings at home sweet home in Johor Bahru

May Allah bless us till the end of time ...

221:

Posted untuk pengajaran, terutama kpd yg sudah berkahwin, siapa yg rasa tak sanggup nak baca mushy2 stuff, takyah bacalah ye, spare urself from kutuking me. ;)

----

Semalam genap 2 bulan kami bergelar suami isteri. Tak perasan sebenarnya, yelah, masing-masing di tengah-tengah kesibukan praktikum, kursus etc2. I wasn't (am not) very stable these past few days, mainly due to two main things: penyeliaan lecturer yg amat horrible (my situation, not the lecturer, although it's so tempting to say so, ish astargfirullah), dan of course, kerinduan. Bila stress makin bertambah-tambahlah rindu. Sebab orang yang memujuk tu jauh, walaupun call and msg je.. tapi, lainlah!.

Semalam juga nenek sampai ke rumah kami. InsyaAllah nenek akan menyambut 1 Ramadhan bersama-sama kami. Sambil-sambil minum petang, kami berbual. Nenek dengan soalan biasanya "Ngko macammana dengan suami? dah suka?" Hehehe. Rahsia la apa jawapanku ok.

Then masuk tajuk rindu.. aku mengeluh "Uhuhu... rindulah nenek, tapikan, bila tengok nenek, muna terfikir... yela, muna n dia ni, walaupun berpisah, rasa rindu, tapi at least tau insyaAllah weekend ni jumpa..tapi nenek, mesti sangat rindukan Tok Yek, kan? dan rindu tu takkan dapat diubati, sehingga akhirnya..." Aku baru terfikir yang mungkin sensetipnye soalan aku nih! ish munaaaa ..

Nenek mula tergenang air matanya. Tapi dia tersenyum juga.. "Dah 20 tahun, tapi rasa macam baru semalam betul Tok Yek ngko pergi. Sangat rindu, memanglah! Tapi sebab tu la sekarang nek kena ibadah betul-betul, supaya boleh jumpa nanti kat syurga! ....insyaAllah selamanya bersama kat sana nanti!"

:')

... tempat tiadanya perpisahan ... selamanya ... bersama cinta hakiki Ilahi ...

need to make sure I am syurga-worthy huhuhuhu ....

Ya Allah rahmataka arjuk ..

220: RPH

My teaching practicum started last week. Last week was it?? why does it feel like aeon already! Oh well...

I've been given 2 classes to teach. 4 periods of Physics and 5 periods of Mathematics.

... teaching is tiring. At the end of every class that I taught, I found myself sweating profusely. Penatnye menjerit-jerit. Apetah lagi kalau kelas yang belakang-belakang sikit. Bape kali pusing suruh copy je kot whatever at the front. Copy pun tak mau. Apekah...

I always wonder about all these children. What motivates them to come to school... I mean, they didn't even try to think, kot! Is it friends? or are they just scared of their parents? or they just want to finish school, just for the sake of having some kind of qualification? tapi kalau tak belajar tak lulus SPM tak guna juga. Kalau nak pergi sekolah kene bangun pagi-pagi sangat kot. Boleh pulak bangun pagi and pergi sekolah... yela, sebab one thing kalau tak dtg sekolah more than certain days akan dibuang sekolah. They don't want to be kicked out.They need to be in school. They know that.

Dah tu, alang-alang pergi sekolah, takyah bagi banyak energy pun, sikit je untuk usaha sikit. Ahh membazir aje... tengok derang buat muka blur, berbual sesama sendiri atau tidur je sepanjang masa... tak bawa buku, refuse to do whatever we say.. rasa macam, hai membazirnye awak pergi sekolah. It doesn't take much pun, just pay attention in class, and think. You'll go somewhere.... Tapi mereka taknak... haiya..

I am learning here... lots to learn still... banyak lagi yang masih saya cuba fahami...

Penatnye jadi practicum teacher... rph rph rph rph ...

219:

Lepas kahwin, agak awkward juga nak update ... conscious. Huhu. Semoga Allah membantu diri menjernihkan niat dan menjaga diri di alam tanpa batasan ini (this internet, i mean... and its fitnah yang sangat unpredictable)... lagi-lagi sekarang sedang dalam fasa tidak berapa stabil, praktikum mengajar nak mula dah (takut! and stress sbb byk submission tak finalized lagi.. pdhl semuanya harus disubmit before going off to practicum) and berjauhan dgn encik suami (lots of new feelings after marriage ni, unfamiliar to me... pelik rasanya kadang-kadang... ).

Subhanallah atas kebesaran dan Maha Hebatnya Allah mengaturkan kehidupan... Alhamdulillah atas segala nikmat yang Allah beri peluang buat saya rasai ... sometimes it feels so surreal. Since I have in my family,some kind of history that involves mental illnesses, I couldn't help but check myself... is this real? or am I just creating stuff in my head? .... haha.

Anyway, for those who didn't know, my husband and I didn't know each other before. Well of course kenal sbb nak kawen, tunang n stuff... tapi takdela bercinta.. and I don't think I've known him well enough, even now. And I am not regretting it at all ... this is where the interesting bits come in... the process of ta'aruf dalam perkahwinan... and sangat menguji iman dan istikharah kita... anyway... I think it's still too early to say anything pun.. baru sebulan... :)))) May Allah continue to bless and guide us throughout this marriage... apapun, kita sbg manusia beriman dengan segalanya ketentuan Allah itu adalah tarbiyyah dalam kita menjadi hamba yang paling Allah redha kan... tak kisah lah baik atau buruk pada pandangan manusia, yg penting baik pada pandangan Allah. Only that matters.

Hamza Yusuf said... "Marriage is not to make you happy, it is to make you holy..."

But if you feel happy, than that's the bonus... as long as you still membalikkan segalanya kepada Sang Maha Pencinta ...

... and I am happy.

Oh... praktikum starts next week! another new adventure that I'll be taking... takut and feel so unprepared. Huhu. Mane tak nye, one semester of KPLI, I think we've been shaped into GERKO teacher more than Physics teacher...

I got SMK Bukit Ind@h. Heard a not so good reputation there... but hopefully everything will turn out okay for me .. ameen insyaAllah..

218: :)

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal wa kulli ni'mah ...

May Allah bless us and our marriage til the meeting with Him in Jannah ...

--

Back to where I start. The same room, the single me and the 'ol maktab routine. Huhu.

I miss you abang.

--

Lots to be shared. Do'a moga ada kesempatan masa dan ilham idea dari Allah ...

217: Counting days

What I am feeling right now, sangat lain dengan my expectation sejak dulu kala. I'm getting married in just few days time, insyaAllah... but apa yang dirasakan eh? Seriously I am not sure. People've been asking me.. "Mesti berdebar-debarkan?" and I usually answer with "Not yet".

Maybe it's because of the working load right now. The semester is ending, hence there are mountains of submissions need to be finalised. I'm stressed out. Banyak fokus on finishing these than doing any wedding preparation. Infinite thanks and Jazakunnallahu khayran kathira to my parents especially..and my super-nenek ... and my sisters (honorary mention: Piah yang rajin) .. and my mum's usrahmates... and my sisters' friends.. and my friends of course... yang telah membantu mana yang patut when I completely oblivious about any of those...

Sangat banyak barang-barang di rumah... and saya tak terlibat setakat ni... rasa macam wedding orang lain instead of mine.

Risau juga, I'm venturing into something so foreign without proper preparation.. tapi dicelah-celah kesibukan alhamdulillah sempat juga membaca beberapa buku (walaupun ada melompat-lompat.. insyaAllah the gist tu bolehlah dpt huhu).. berbual dengan beberapa individu untuk nasihat-nasihat yang sangat berguna dan menenangkan hati...and do'a yang sentiasa... walaupun tak sempat properly duduk berteleku and tafakur... every second kan Allah tu menjaga kita? setiap saat pun kita didengari... walau macammana pun keadaan kita... but of course.. duduk berkhalwat dgn Allah pada dinihari tanpa gangguan2 lain adalah yang terbaik...but we have to make the best out of what we have...

Ya Allah, aku takut... tapi tau things will be okay.. InsyaAllah..

Apa-apa ketetapan Allah, itu yang terbaik patut berlaku... tak kira ianya baik atau buruk pada pandangan dan pertimbangan manusia...

Apa-apa yang berlaku, itulah yang terbaik ...

Iman is faith...

Hope and fear. Hope and fear. Hope and fear.

2 wings.

Balance.

"Ud'uni astajib lakum..."

---

now, back to work, Muna ...

216:

Knowing that a person like Ustazah Yoyoh Yusroh existed, made me feel worthless.

I always feel like complaining. All the times. About everything. Nothing is right, no one really understand, no task is easy, no time for anything...

And now I feel invalid. I have no right to complain.

Takde alasan untuk tak buat all these, you know, Muna... Takde alasan nak kata tak mampu. Takde alasan nak kata you've tried your best.

Invalid.

--

A much needed tazkirah just when you feel content.

Entah pengakhiran yang macammana bakal menemuiku..

Akan dipandangkah aku oleh Allah.. jika sosok-sosok hebat seperti ini yang mengelilingi? takde can... takde can la...

Syurga itu mahal..

Mujahadah itu bayarannya...

Harta, jiwa.. segalanya...

Baru sedikit... not even a pinch that I can rival with...

Oh Allah...

T____T

--

Don't know what I'm talking about? google that name above.

215:

I need a pair of ears. Willing and non-judgemental ears.

I need to let out all of these chaos inside. I need to be listened to as I talk and talk.

I need a pair of eyes. To which I allow myself to be seen as weak.

I need to be watched over as I cry and cry.

.. and be hugged. And be calmed.

---

Oh Allah how I miss you ...

I need to be listened to, I need to be watched over ...

I need YOU.

... and I know you are always here.

Listening, watching ... keeping me safe, keeping me sane.

I know, but I am not feeling it,

yet...

I miss YOU.

I miss YOU.

I miss YOU.

---

Ya As-Sami' ...

Ya Al-Basir ...

Ya Al-Raqib ...

---

Mu'min tu tak tensi kan?

10 days.

And suddenly rasa macam nak abandon everything and go back to the impossible.

Whatever that means.

Oh.

214:

Allahumma bariklana, wabarik alaina ..

Allahumma yasirlana wa la tuassir

Ya Kareem ...

Ya Razzaq ...

Ya Wasi' ...

Ya Ghaniy ...

--

Allahumma firghlana ...

Astarghfirullah ..

Astarghfirullah ..

Astarghfirullah ..

--

Allahumma yasirlana ...

Allahumma bariklana ...

Allahumma irhamna ...

213: Two One Three

In less than 3 weeks time, my life will change forever. Haha, I'm just being dramatic. Our life is constantly changing forever, right? The next moment will never be the same, ever again. The only constant in life is change.

Anyway, I'm currently 'cuak'ing. 4 months passed by so quickly. Yes, I've been engaged for 4 months. Takpelah, orang kata bertunang jangan lama-lama. Sememangnya selama tempoh pertunangan sangat mengujikan. Ye sekarang ini. Sangat-sangat mengharap perkahwinan yang bakal ditempuhi diberkati dan dirahmati... in hoping that, kenalah pastikan setiap langkah dan perbuatan menuju pernikahan itu adalah suci... oh, takut... T_T rabbana la tu akhizna in nasina aw akhto' na.. janganlah Kau hukum kami jika kami terlupa atau tersalah Ya Allah...

Seperti yang dinasihati seseorang yang sangat saya hormati "Dalam ketika ini, harus banyak-banyak beristighfar dan bersolat taubat kpd Allah agar dosa-dosa lalu tidak menjadi kifarah pada anak-anak yang bakal dianugerahi kelak..." Ye.. kita takkan dpt nak bayangkan ujian yang macammana Allah set up kan untuk kita pada masa hadapan.. kalau bukan keatas kita, maybe ke atas anak-anak kita.. atau keturunan yang seterusnya ... "wa kana abuhuma salihan...." Niat harus disucikan. Lillahi ta'ala. Impikan yang terbaik ...Hope and Fear. Hope and Fear, 2 wings that balance each other out...

... and up to now, aku sangat rasa bersyukur, Ya Allah ... segala urusan dari permulaan sehingga sekarang sangat dipermudahkan. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah... Kau permudahkanlah urusan-urusan selepas ini juga ya Allah .. Allahumma yasirlana wala tuassir ...

Yelah, dicelah-celah kesibukan kursus perguruan, kalau nak diukur ikut realiti, macam impossible nak buat macam-macam, wedding preparations di samping kelas yg packed,

assignments and campings! But alhamdulillah ... until now semua masih on track ... walaupun kualiti assignment boleh dipertikaikan ^____^; ... and tidak dinafikan emotional burst sekali-sekala di saat stress yang sangat... ampun maaf kepada yang terlibat dan akan terlibat, 3 weeks to go.. tak tau apa yg korang akan hadapi if you are within 1 metre radius of me. Hoho. Fasa ini adalah tarbiyyah pengujian kesabaran yang sangat. Huuuu... Help me friends ... sesungguhnya hati ini sentiasa dahagakan peringatan ..

And thanks and "Jazakumullahu khayran kathira" to those who have to put up with my weaknesses, especially my mum who has done so so much in terms of my wedding preparation. Sorry sgt, munah tak tau pape T____T.

Having typed all those paragraphs above, I hereby invite all of you my blog readers to my wedding on the 28th May 2011 in Johor Bahru. If you are really coming, do contact me personally either by leaving comments or email, for the invitation card.

212:

I usually get frustrated with myself when I failed to convey what I really feel and mean to express, to people. Well... it's a learning process. I know. The more I talk, the more I will learn. I won't automatically acquire this skill... talking my heart out.

I am frustrated with myself right now because I am supposed to focus on doing an essay that need to be submitted tomorrow morning.

But obviously I cannot. Focus.

Oh Muna.....

---

Mu'min tu tak merasa tensi.

Bak kata Mustafa Masyhur "Mereka boleh membuang kita ke mana sahaja yang mereka suka... tetapi mereka takkan dapat membuang kita di tempat yang tak ada Allah ..."

Allah kan ada. Hilang segala kerisauan.

"Menakjubkan sungguh urusan orang yang beriman. Segala perkaranya adalah kebaikan. Dan itu tidak terjadi kecuali pada orang yang beriman. Jika mendapat nikmat, dia bersyukur, dan syukur itu baik baginya. Jika ditimpa musibah dia bersabar, dan sabar itu baik baginya"(HR Abu Dawud & At-Tirmidzi)

"Peliharalah Allah nescaya Allah akan memeliharamu. Peliharalah Allah nescaya engkau akan dapati Dia di hadapanmu. Apabila engkau meminta, maka pintalah dari Allah. Apabila engkau meminta pertolongan, maka mintalah pertolongan dengan Allah. Ketahuilah bahawa kalau umat ini berkumpul untuk memberikan sesuatu manfaat kepadamu, mereka tidak akan mampu memberikanmu manfaat kecuali dengan suatu perkara yang memang Allah telah tentukan untukmu. Sekiranya mereka berkumpul untuk memudharatkan kamu dengan suatu mudharat, nescaya mereka tidak mampu memudharatkan kamu kecuali dengan suatu perkara yang memang Allah telah tentukannya untukmu. Pena-pena telah diangkatkan dan lembaran lembaran telah kering (dakwatnya)." (HR Tirmidzi)

---

Sebulan lagi.

Gulp.

Mu'min tu tak tensi ...

*struggling*

211:

I miss writing. I miss being the me who were so sensitive to her surrounding. Taking in everything as something that actually teaches. And I actually learnt.

People say, "Welcome to the real world.". Where the hectic life consumes you. You cannot even think. If from the start you did not do something, keep on dreaming on at last doing it in the future. Keep on hoping and dreaming for "Nanti bila ada masa...". Sheesh...

You have to strive, you know that. You don't want to be stuck in this stupid cycle. Because you know you will definitely die one day. Or at this very next moment ...

Choose to strive dear.

210:

>_______<

bipolar mode.

just need to let this out.

Allahumma yasirli wala tu'assir

T_______T

saya dah kembali ke kehidupan maktab.

so unstable right now.

macam-macam.

macam-macam....

209:

Do you know what I noticed yesterday?

Malaysians in general walk sooooooo slowly.

Hmm, kalau dah berjalan bertiga-tigaan atau berlima-limaan tu, atau sorang pun tapi pavement kecik, jalanlah dengan pantas, atau berilah laluan... atau, pantas la sikit.. huhu.

Banyak masa habis jalan slow-slow aje. Banyak perkara nak dicapai sayang oi~~

Ni sangat evident la kalau tengok pelajar sekolah ni, terutamanya girls. Adeih. and also kalau kat shopping complex... budak-budak berjalan seiringan memenuhi jalan.. org nak potong pun tak boleh.

Maybe saya je ke?

Sebab memang saya dari sekolah tak suka berjalan beramai-ramai. Sebab saya nak cepat. Budak perempuan kan selalu nak kemana-mana berteman kan? Tapi saya tak... nak g toilet then balik kelas, nak kene berteman ke? Melambatkan proses perjalanan aje. Huhu.

Kalau nak berbual pun, boleh juga jalan cepat-cepat ape.

Ke saya je? Semua org lain tak kesah ye? huhu..

208:

Macam perang tabuk.

Seruan jihad untuk semua, melawan tentera Rom yang ribuan lebih ramai. Tempat yang jauh, empayar yang hebat, menakutkan dan tak terbayangkan...

Ianya adalah satu ujian penapisan. Peperangan itu tidak terjadi pun akhirnya... ujiannya bukanlah peperangan itu sendiri.. tetapi awalnya, ingin melihat siapa yang benar-benar mengotakan imannya.

Penyucian niat dan azam.

Walau pada akhirnya tidak terjadipun.

Seperti sekarang ini..

Bagi aku...

Ya Allah.. sucikanlah aku.

Dan berilah peluang-peluang lagi untuk aku menyucikan diriku sebelum aku berjumpa denganMu..

Dan kurniakanlah barakah ... keatas segala ketetapanMu..

"Allah memgilhamkan sukma kefasikan dan ketaqwaan...

Beruntung bagi yang mensucikannya...

Merugi bagi yang mengotorinya..."

This life is all about choices.

2 choices. Good or bad. Wahyu or Al-Hawa'. Heaven or Hell.

Choose right.

207: Cikgu Maimunah

:) Nametag I magnet, u ~~ thank u to abang ipar.. smg diluaskan rezeki tambah2 baru dpt baby baru :)

Assalamualaikum warahmatullah wabarakatuh.. :) kaifa halukum? Ana bikhayr Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah. Alhamdulillah.

Lama tak letak gambar kan? sebab sejak balik dari OZ last December, I've got too many bags that I used and now I cannot remember where I put my lovely pink camera. Bukan sbb kaye sgt banyak beg, tapi sbb takde beg lah, so asik pinjam and guna mana2 beg aje di rumah ini.

Ok, irrevelant information up there. Why am I so hyped up ni? heh.

Anyway, today was my second day of ROS (Rancangan Orientasi Sekolah) at SMKBBU. Will be here for 2 weeks until the end of next week. No, we don't get to teach, we just observe and collect information.. and do the portfolio.

First day was rather exciting and interesting since being at school like this is a new experience for me. I was from private school, so many things are different. Tak larat nak cerita mana tang different nye. But one main thing yg paling best, the waktu balik. Hohoho. This I like so much. Don't blame me for being such a kid, but when I was in school, I usually went home around 430 the earliest. Ada la kot sekali skala balik 2.30. But 1.10 pm?? wah terasa banyak masa selepas itu. Yela, kat maktab pun sangatlah pack. Paling awal 430, kalau sukan at 7. Yes, balik awal adalah kejutan budaya bagi saya.

And sekolah kebangsaan ni, banyaknye prasarana ye. Sekolah kami dulu biasa2 je. Tapi skrg dgr dah makin mantap. Sekarang ni, sebut je Sekolah Hidayah, semua macam "Ohhhh....hebat". Orang Johor lah, at least. Semua dah kenal. Dulu nak sebut pun malu sebab orang tak tau.. so kene cerita panjang. Last-last cakap sekolah harian biasa... (ni bukan saya.. ni kes org lain.. saya bangga je sy produk Hidayah).

I digress ler.

Anyway, 1st day best, second day I got bored so fast. By 10.30 I've done most of my works that I intended to do. Round2 sekolah, amek2 gambo sekeliling sekolah and all prasarana utk portfolio, interview pembantu2 makmal and cikgu2 yg berkaitan... then dah. Semalam bawak laptop, hari ni tak bawak, so tak boleh sgt buat kerja lain. Ended up I spent the time at Perpustakaan... baca magazines. Then balik bilik guru, pretended like I was so busy.. menconteng2 buku nota.. oh, and using my phone to check emails n facebook.. huh, sekolah ni free wireless.. and tak block any content. Bagus.

Esok insyaAllah will be more fun! SPM result keluar... SMKBBU jadi pusat penyerahan keputusan utk 44 sekolah di daerah JB ni.. and I am invited to join the penyerahan kpd students. Wuhuu.. mengimbau kembali masa ambil result 6 years ago... adik saya pun ada sorang yg SPM juga.. all the best Aya.. doa banyak2.. solat hajat.. etc2.. patutnya dr awal lagi :)

Ok saya sangat pelik dgn diri sendiri kenapa semangat nak bercerita panjang pula hari ni. Hoho.Sorry everyone. Dahlah language bercampur-baur.

Tapi ni tak habis lagi.

Saya dapat anak buah baru semalam juga! Alhamdulillah urusan kakak saya dipermudahkan dari mula hingga akhir... anak kedua pasangan Hasanah & Suhail. Utk yg kenal juga, semalam barulah sempat jumpa Kak Izzah kat hospital... walaupun duduk sekangkang kera je from each other kat jb ni.. huhu, munah2~

Alhamdulillah ala kulli hal.. smg sy rajin menyiapkan semua tugasan dan kewajipan.. dunia dan akhirat :)))

"Ujian2 adalah penyucian niat..."

206:

Ditengah-tengah kekecohan bencana alam, terasa janggal mahu mengaku diri ini sedang gembira.. sedang merasakan sangat kasih-sayang Allah terhadap diri...

Tapi itu yg sy rasakan, and I'm not gonna deny it.

Ya Allah, I feel loved.

Tapi semalam terkena sikit, yela.. bersyukur.. apa makna merasakan nikmat Allah keatas diri kalau tak dilestarikan dengan amal. (Betul ke penggunaan lestari ni ? apa maksud dia sebenonye? sedap je letak haha).

Syukur tak cukup merasakan bahagia didalam hati dan sekadar membisikkan "Alhamdulillah".. apa ingat free2 ke Allah bagi nikmat...

Masa milik Allah.. make sure all of it is invested in Allah's way. Setiap anggota dan keupayaan kita adalah milik Allah. Make sure they only move in pursuing His redha..

Aa.. cakap mmg senang. Tapi kalau tak cakap, lagi lah tak buat. Saya cakap dulu.. insyaAllah saya cuba cuba cuba buat. Sesungguhnya setiap lisan kita akan dipersoalkan..

--

I feel terrible nevertheless, hearing and watching the news on the earthquake really sent chills down the spine.. how at anytime, Allah can determine anything to happen to us, without warning.. dan dalam macammana keadaan pun kita pada ketika itu.. sedang beribadah, sedang bermaksiat.. nauzubillah min su'ul khatimah Ya Allah...

Kisah earthquake di Christchurch pun masih belum betul2 reda.. now this.

The hour is really coming, ey.. very very soon.

Ya ayyuhal insan... sabar sikit je lagi dengan mujahadah mu... sikit masa lagi kita akan bertemu dengan Allah dengan amalan-amalan kita..

He won't ask about your position in the academic sector.. nor will He ask about the natijah of all your hardwork... itu kerjaNya sendiri..

apa yang akan ditanya adalah sejauh mana usaha kita dalam mengejar redhanya.. jihad kita.. keikhlasan ibadah hanya untuk-Nya..

205:

Everyday we are bound to learn something new about ourselves. Life is a learning process. I am learning, still. I want to learn more, still. I am a curious being. I ask people way too many questions sometimes. I am not judging you, I am not testing your own understanding. I am learning. I am a curious being. I want to understand, so so so much.

--

Third week of KPLI. I can feel that my idealism is beginning to fade. Sheshhh.. I am a realist from the start. I am a physicist. I am a logical person. I reason way too well. Wah, perasan.

We had a culture shock at our own country. What an irony.

--

Too many works to do. Just too many.

--

Too many stories to tell. Just too many. Yet so little time.

--

Mujahadah linafsihi...

I need to be strong since the very beginning. I want to go through it strong. I want to finish strong. Do not hope for strength later if you are too afraid to be strong now. Afterall, life is about choices. You can choose. Really. Be brave, be strong.

La hawla wala quwwata illa billah.

"Ya Allah, kurniakan aku hikmah..."

204:

Tarbiyyahlah yang telah membentukku.

Dan aku masih flexible. Masih bisa dibentuk dan dilentur. Dan ianya bisa dilakukan oleh apa-apa aja. The key is to make sure tarbiyyahlah yang sentiasa membentukku. Hingga ke akhirnya. Hingga REDHA-NYA.

It's a continuous struggle. From the moment you are awake till your last breath... you are not taking breaks, not even in your sleep.. because at that time, your heart is still conscious.. your thoughts still dominate ...

Jangan dipuji aku. Jangan dibenci aku. Aku ini masih belum mati.

203:

I guess my common sense is not so common after all.

202:

Time passes surprisingly slower now that I am home. Maybe because of the routines, maybe because of anticipation. I am not sure.

My teaching course will commence next week. Another year of study, uhuhu. Heard a lot of good and bad things about it. But I'd say, "Bring it on.." I want to get it over and done with. Trials and pains are inevitable. You might as well go through it optimistically without missing the other interesting bits in life.

I went to the Southern Gathering last week. It was a pre-departure programme for future students of Australia and New Zealand. I had a mixed feelings. I feel proud (not the bad proud, but a good proud, kind of like motherly proud if you can understand what I mean) that I managed to finish my studies until the honours year. It was a good asset for the ummah. Like it or not, people are looking up to you. Judging everything that you do, everything that you succeed in, everything that you failed at. I managed to prove that a good muslim is a muslim that is also excellent in their studies. Okay, I know that I am not that excellent. I didn't even get first class honours. But oh well.. people don't need to know that.

Anyway, I was also forced to reminiscence my 4 years of Melbourne. It made me miss it. Melbourne. I always emphasize how I love Melbourne. But my final year there wasn't a happy one, truthfully. I spent most days dreading the honours works, being homesick and countingdown till I was home again. But in the pre-departure programme, I needed to share my experience there.. so I told the juniors the interesting and exciting bits in Melbourne. Things I have forgotten I enjoyed. Places that I love to travel to... the beaches.. the clouds .. the walk to uni ... the tranquility ...

Okay, enough. But I do not want to go back there just yet. I am a 'move on' kind of person. Certain people love to say things like "Oh how I miss school and how I wanted to go back.." but for me, yeah, I love my school, but that won't make me want to re-live my secondary school years. I am moving on, appreciating what I have experienced, and live... towards new adventures and lessons that Allah has set for me.

To all my PPC batch mates, selamat kembali belajar :))))

201: Life is short

Life is short. You made a decision one second, then suddenly you were living with the consequence 20 years later.

Tak kisah la apa pun pilihan yang dibuat. Apa yang penting adalah ikhlas yang mendalam hanya kerana Allah dan redha-Nya, dan syariat yang dituruti. I couldn't typed this out without sounding so schematic, cliche and all 'ustazah'. But it couldn't be more true. Aku hanya mahu menjadi hamba yang paling Allah redhai. Aku mahu membuat pilihan yang dengannya aku takkan lupa akan adanya Allah. Rabbi, Ilahi. My all.

J. M. Barrie once said "Life is a long lesson of humility". He nailed it, didn't he? You go through life, you made choices, even the bad ones. Sometimes you just cannot control your own ego. In the beginning, you heart is all pure. You are clear about what you are doing and why you're doing it. But everything takes time. You achieve stuffs, you lose, you win, you fail. In the process, your heart got torn, you suffer, you feel defeated, your ego boost, euphoric moment that makes you so 'big'. On top of the world. The once so pure heart... it changes. The challenge is to make sure, amidst all the twist and turns, you will always remember to look up and remind yourself what you're doing this for. Who you are doing this for. Who you really are. Humility. Humility, when you realize who you are in the eyes of Allah. Nothing else can waver you after that.

People say the world is like shadow. When you're after it, it'll always run away from you.. but if you're after the light, the shadow will follow you...

Humility...

You learn from your mistakes. You let your ego control you, you lose, and you realize you should've been more humble. You let your nafs take over you, the world, you realize you never feel enough, you realize its never what you want...

Humility

Urgh, I'm failing to explain what I really feel and mean. But It's okay.

Life is short, and we can't wait till we comprehend it but we definitely will meet Allah, with all our choices written in the book, presented in front of Him.

I am not sure how the future will be. I am never sure about what is right. But at the moment, all I manage to do are weighing all my options and use my logic, and heart, and of course what my Allah says, to determine the choice. Istikhara. I am begging a choice from you oh Allah. For you are the one "taqdir", and I am not "aqdir".. wa anta ta'lam.. wa la a'lam... I just want to be the best 'abd'. Choose me.

... bismillahi tawakaltu alallah ..

hasbiyallah wa ni'mal wakeel, ni'mal maula wa ni'man naseer...

and whatever happen afterwards, you will be okay.

Life is short.

Everything will be okay.

--

The next challenge is to make sure I retain my already-so-bad-english writing skill. Go me :)